I had a hard time figuring out if I should post this up here on my blog. I mean, it’s a personal style blog and not a blog about my personal life. I know, on occasion, I think it is inevitable to write a little bit more about your personal life. It can’t all be just fashion and travels and nothing more. There are more dimensions to my life, actually. And after this talk I had earlier today, I came to the realization that I can no longer ignore this part of my life on my blog either. Mostly, because I don’t want the people that know me in real life and know about my current situation get the wrong impression when they see pictures of me on my blog.
Because yes, I have a burn-out. I repeat, I have a burn-out! And you know what, this doesn’t mean that I’m dead or that I have to look dead all the time. It means that I’m struggling with all there is that comes with the territory of having a burn-out. This also doesn’t mean that I should let myself go and don’t take good care of myself and look like a piece of sh*t. Taking care of myself and my physical well-being is what helps me recover and what’s giving me the strength to get better. Moreover, blogging is what keeps my spirits up, which I’m passionate about, which gives me energy and makes me feel alive, when it feels like everything else in my life is falling apart. Because, yes, that’s how it feels like when you’re dealing with a burn-out. It feels as if everything in your life is falling apart and there is no light at the end of the tunnel. When you lose faith in yourself, lose all your self-confidence, if apparently, the one thing you thought you knew and could trust the most, namely yourself, is the one thing that apparently you can’t trust. Because it is letting you down and is making you feel like the most incapable person in this entire world. Because, that’s how it feels if you’re having a burn-out.
So, I’ve asked myself, should I stop blogging, because people that know me in real life, might get the wrong impression? I know there are people out there thinking “Look at her looking all healthy on her blog. She must be faking her condition.” But let me ask you? Would you prefer me to act like I’m dead, or am I allowed to do the things that gives me the energy and makes me happy, so that when in the darkest of all days it doesn’t all seem lost? And so that I can feel a little bit better and actually slowly recover from this mental condition? Just because I try to keep on dressing well and try to live a life doesn’t mean that everything is all right. It just means that you don’t get to see me at my worst. And wow, imagine what that would look like on a blog?! Pfew! I’ll spare you those images. Because it ain’t pretty, I guarantee you that.
I’ve been struggling with my situation ever since January, every single day. I have hit rock bottom, and it’s been hell. I’m devastated that it happened to me and I can’t even start to list all the emotions I felt these past few months. I don’t think it is possible to understand what it is having to deal with a burn-out unless you’ve gone through it yourself. I know I couldn’t for one bit, until it happened to me. But it’s probably the hardest (mental) thing I had to deal with my entire life. I’ve cried until there were no more tears to shed. I lost all confidence in myself. And it has left me broken and shattered. It’s a battle you just can’t comprehend unless you had to deal with it yourself.
And so, if you see me on here all dressed up, or travelling to some “exotic place”, I truly hope that you don’t automatically assume that all is well. I’m doing these things hoping that they will help me recover, to feel alive again, gain some energy and to actually see just a little bit of light at the end of that dark tunnel. I am getting better every single day, bit by bit. I’m still fighting. But it’s this blog that I have decided to keep and maintain that has been my loyal companion in this battle against my burn-out. That has been one of the things that has given me reason to carry on and fight and which has become an inseparable part of me. And I’m confident that I’ll come out stronger in the end.