Burn-out

photo_Image: source unknown

I had a hard time figuring out if I should post this up here on my blog. I mean, it’s a personal style blog and not a blog about my personal life. I know, on occasion, I think it is inevitable to write a little bit more about your personal life. It can’t all be just fashion and travels and nothing more. There are more dimensions to my life, actually. And after this talk I had earlier today, I came to the realization that I can no longer ignore this part of my life on my blog either. Mostly, because I don’t want the people that know me in real life and know about my current situation get the wrong impression when they see pictures of me on my blog.

Because yes, I have a burn-out. I repeat, I have a burn-out! And you know what, this doesn’t mean that I’m dead or that I have to look dead all the time. It means that I’m struggling with all there is that comes with the territory of having a burn-out. This also doesn’t mean that I should let myself go and don’t take good care of myself and look like a piece of sh*t. Taking care of myself and my physical well-being is what helps me recover and what’s giving me the strength to get better. Moreover, blogging is what keeps my spirits up, which I’m passionate about, which gives me energy and makes me feel alive, when it feels like everything else in my life is falling apart. Because, yes, that’s how it feels like when you’re dealing with a burn-out. It feels as if everything in your life is falling apart and there is no light at the end of the tunnel. When you lose faith in yourself, lose all your self-confidence, if apparently, the one thing you thought you knew and could trust the most, namely yourself, is the one thing that apparently you can’t trust. Because it is letting you down and is making you feel like the most incapable person in this entire world. Because, that’s how it feels if you’re having a burn-out.

So, I’ve asked myself, should I stop blogging, because people that know me in real life, might get the wrong impression? I know there are people out there thinking “Look at her looking all healthy on her blog. She must be faking her condition.” But let me ask you? Would you prefer me to act like I’m dead, or am I allowed to do the things that gives me the energy and makes me happy, so that when in the darkest of all days it doesn’t all seem lost? And so that I can feel a little bit better and actually slowly recover from this mental condition? Just because I try to keep on dressing well and try to live a life doesn’t mean that everything is all right. It just means that you don’t get to see me at my worst. And wow, imagine what that would look like on a blog?! Pfew! I’ll spare you those images. Because it ain’t pretty, I guarantee you that.

I’ve been struggling with my situation ever since January, every single day. I have hit rock bottom, and it’s been hell. I’m devastated that it happened to me and I can’t even start to list all the emotions I felt these past few months. I don’t think it is possible to understand what it is having to deal with a burn-out unless you’ve gone through it yourself. I know I couldn’t for one bit, until it happened to me. But it’s probably the hardest (mental) thing I had to deal with my entire life. I’ve cried until there were no more tears to shed. I lost all confidence in myself. And it has left me broken and shattered. It’s a battle you just can’t comprehend unless you had to deal with it yourself.

And so, if you see me on here all dressed up, or travelling to some “exotic place”, I truly hope that you don’t automatically assume that all is well. I’m doing these things hoping that they will help me recover, to feel alive again, gain some energy and to actually see just a little bit of light at the end of that dark tunnel. I am getting better every single day, bit by bit. I’m still fighting. But it’s this blog that I have decided to keep and maintain that has been my loyal companion in this battle against my burn-out. That has been one of the things that has given me reason to carry on and fight and which has become an inseparable part of me. And I’m confident that I’ll come out stronger in the end.

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36 Responses to Burn-out

  1. Jena says:

    So brave of you sharing this text and emotions. I totally agree that since you face a hard personal situation it does not mean that you should quit life and stay at home depressed and doing nothing. In such hard situations it is always good for our health to do things that make us happy and blogging is this for you. Regarding people that know you better, if someone thinks because you wear nice clothes and takes photos of them, you are fake and everything is fine, they probably have never faced a difficult situation or they are just stupid..
    Keep on blogging if this makes you feel better. Time will cure everything.
    Your blog and sense of style is so inspiring and I always cant wait to see your new outfit.
    Have a nice day!

  2. Erica says:

    Oh so sad to read that, keep strong Kayin!
    And keep on blogging if it make you happy :)

    Big hug,
    Erica

  3. Bella says:

    I agree, very brave to come out and say it. And indeed, it would be terribly self destructive of you to lock yourself up in your home in your pj’s and mope right now!

    A burnout can happen to the strongest of people, and just because things are dire right now doesn’t mean they will always be. Learning to /continuing to take great care of yourself both mentally and physically is the key to recovery. I think that everyone who knows and cares about you will understand this. It’s just that the nature of blogging is such that some less benevolent souls may see it too, and conclude otherwise. That is their problem and not yours, but I can see how those kinds of rumours may be damaging.

    I wish you a steady recovery and look forward to continuing to share whatever you’d like to post on the blog with you!

  4. Cristel says:

    Ohhhh wat naar voor je! Ik kan er (helaas) over meepraten. Een burn out is vreselijk. Stofzuigen was al teveel voor me. Ik heb echt weken lang laveloos voor me uitgestaard. Mijn enige tip; geef je er aan over. Het licht komt echt weer, ECHT! Probeer te achterhalen waar het door komt en als je ook maar een beetje energie hebt probeer het aan te pakken zodat je niet terug in je oude patronen valt. Het gebeurd vaak bij mensen die teveel willen pleasen. Nu is het tijd voor JOU. De liefde voor jezelf komt terug. Jij bent de enige die daar voor kan zorgen.

    Accepteren en loslaten. Makkelijk gezegd maar oh zo waar.

    Veel sterkte en volg je passies. Je leven gaat hierdoor heel erg veranderen. Wees niet bang, soms is verandering nodig om weer gelukkig te worden.

    Xx Cristel

    • Kayin says:

      Dank je Cristel voor je bemoedigende woorden en advies! Ik waardeer het echt enorm en ben blij te horen dat jij er sterker uit bent gekomen!

  5. vanessa says:

    I know it’s maybe weird to say that but I’m glad you share this personnal part of your life with us.
    Let me explain, I know what it feels like to fake happiness, to pretend everydays that everything is fine, that you are ok because you have a great job, money, you wear beautiful clothes and you can travel everywhere…
    Yes life seemed perfect in your pictures but real life is not just that…
    Yes you have a good life but you can have doubts, fears, you can be sad, and sick and tired of everything, you can be hurt by other and suffer…
    Yes you have feelings because you are human.
    And so you have the right to complain all day or you can be strong and fight or you can hide all this stuff inside you because it’s your choice!
    The most importante person in the end is you.
    So people who judged you only on those pictures should get a life and stop trying to put you down.
    I wish you a fast and healthy recovery. Keep faith in you Kayin!

  6. Victoria says:

    Hi Kayin

    Your post really touched me and I hope you are doing ok. I, too, went through something similar last year and I am still ‘licking my wounds’ so to speak. It was a very dark time in my life and I can honestly say that checking in with the blogs that I follow daily really helped me in some way. When everything was so serious in my life, I relished seeing what my bloggers were up to and especially if they were wearing a little Isabel Marant!

    So, hang in there, be kind to yourself and don’t go away……we would miss you!

    • Kayin says:

      Thank you so much for your support Victoria! I’m sorry to hear that you went through a similar thing and that you’re still recovering. I wish you all the best and hope that things will look much brighter for you soon.

  7. Evelyne says:

    Dag Kayin,

    Ik ben heel erg onder de indruk van je blogpost. Ik vind het heel knap en moedig dat je hier zo mee naar buiten komt. Een burn-out is vreselijk en het overkomt de sterkste mensen. Maar als ik naar mijn eigen werkomgeving kijk, dan zie ik dat mensen spijtig genoeg vaak de ernst niet begrijpen. Ik denk ook dat de druk die mensen van onze generatie ondervinden vaak compleet onderschat wordt: werkweken van 60 uur en meer neerzetten, een zeer druk sociaal leven hebben, uiteraard een perfecte relatie moeten hebben en er geweldig uitzien,…Bij de minste tegenslag wordt het gewoon teveel en knapt er iets. Ik denk dat het heel goed is, dat je je vasthoudt aan de zaken die je energie geven en je niet laat gaan. Dus ga ervoor en geef die negatievelingen maar het nakijken!!
    Ik wens je heel veel moed en succes met je herstel en kijk zoals altijd uit naar je posts!!!

  8. Lieke says:

    Whoa Kayin, what een heftig verhaal. Knap dat je dit op je blog zet.
    Na regen komt altijd zonneschijn. Oftewel, je gaat er zoveel sterker uitkomen. Het is een rottige periode waar je doorheen moet maar je gaat er jezelf alleen maar beter door leren kennen. Neem je tijd en overhaast niets. Tijd om te kijken wie je bent, wat je wilt en waar je ambities liggen. En, vooral “take it easy.”
    Heel veel sterkte X!

  9. Diana says:

    For me, your blog is an escape from the grind of life that can sometimes feel overwhelming. What you provide on your blog is a window into the beauty that you find in your everyday life. And despite how you might be feeling, you can still see beauty all around you. Whether it’s a piece of clothing, a destination, or a beautiful dessert, they are images that allow me to escape momentarily, and to just appreciate something beautiful. I think we all have moments where things can become so overwhleming that we feel consumed. But instead of letting ourselves fall into a dark hole, we can choose to take every opportunity to do the things that make us feel healthy and connected. And the fact that you can do this and share it with your readers is an incredibly generous gift. I hope you are feeling better soon – and I hope you continue to see the beauty in your life despite it all. All the best to you Kayin.

  10. Mandi says:

    Such an inspirational blog post Kayin. The fact that you are strong enough to put yourself out there and be honest I really respect and admire. Blogs have a way of portraying a select few instances in our lives. What we want people to see. Us at our best and brightest if you will. They very rarely (if ever) relay our own personal hardships. There is always so much more to life and we are all such complex creatures.

    All I can say is you are such a bright light in the blogging world and we are incredibly fortunate that you share your insights with us. I’m so glad to hear that you are doing what you can to motivate yourself and to keep trying to make each day a little brighter (even if it is putting on something nice). It’s damn hard and some days it feels impossible when life gets you down. I can’t speak about your own personal situation but I have been in a terrible place in my life before. Keep going Kayin. Steps it doesn’t matter how small they are, still end up getting you to your destination and on the road to recovery. Sending you the biggest hug possible! xx

    • Kayin says:

      Wow! Thank you so much Mandi for your heart-warming comment and for your support. It means so much to me and gives me strength! I’m sorry you had to deal with some difficult times in the past and hope it’s all in the past now! xx

  11. Maria says:

    Dear Kayin, I got really sad reading your post, I wish you all THE best and hope that you recover soon, we dont know each other but if there is anything I can do to help let me know.
    If you ever in THE Hague and feel like having a cup of coffee I Will join you :)
    I know how it is to feel like you feel now, I went through it as well. But believe me you Will come out of it stong as never before!
    XXX Maria

    • Kayin says:

      Hi Maria! Thank you so much and I’m sorry to hear you went through the same thing! I hope you are now fully recovered. I may take you up on that offer for coffee!! xx

  12. Elleflowers says:

    Dear Kayin,
    Since I work in the same business as you, I understand what you are going through. Please keep on writing. I understand youre point about blogging an having a burn out at the same time. You are not sick, so doing nothing and staying in bed all day will not benefit you at all. However people are judging and maybe you should think of a solution for this. Many people dont know anything about a burn out and cannot place themselves in your shoes, some wont even try.

    I wish you strenght. Make sure you find people who can help you going through this and get well in your pace.

    Elle

  13. Sian says:

    Hi Kayin, I’ve been a longtime fan of Logomania, but never commented before.

    Life is so hard and stressful these days. So many of the young are going through burnouts and breakdowns lately, I think it’s a sign of the times. Thankfully there is now more help and understanding about these issues than ever before.

    If this blog is your ‘Happy Place’, then you just keep on blogging! You must never feel guilty about it, and never feel that you have to justify yourself to others both on or offline. You just concentrate on healing yourself – as long as it takes and whatever it takes. (And quite frankly, if I had your beauty, class, elegance and an amazing wardrobe to showcase, blogging would lift my spirits too! I hope that didn’t come across as shallow – I meant every word!)

    Be strong and best wishes to you on this journey dear Kayin – you WILL get there!

    Sian. x

    • Kayin says:

      Hi Sian, thank you for following my blog and thank you for your support and sweet comment! I really and truly appreciate it! You made me blush. No, it didn’t sound shallow at all. :)

  14. Heleen says:

    Hoi Kayin,

    Al sinds een post op Beautylab ben ik een trouwe volger van je blog, hoewel ik nooit comments achterlaat (dat even terzijde :p), zou ik je graag willen laten weten dat je voor mij een soort rolmodel bent en op de momenten dat ik mijn studie/MSc even niet meer zie zitten, ik vaak denk aan jou als succesvolle, intelligente en mega classy vrouw (en hoe ik zou graag willen worden). Je blogposts zijn voor mij altijd weer een cadeautje! Ik hoop dat je snel weer opknapt en veel steun en warmte bij familie en vrienden kunt vinden, en zou je graag ontzettend veel sterkte komende tijd willen wensen!

    • Kayin says:

      Wow! Dank je Heleen voor je lieve woorden en ik voel me vereerd dat ik een steun kan zijn op momenten dat je je studie even niet ziet zitten. Ik wil je veel succes wensen met je studie! Ik heb ook moeilijke momenten tijdens mijn studie gekend en ik kan je zeggen dat het loont om door te zetten. Veel dank voor je steun! :)

  15. Brenda says:

    Hi Kayin,

    Let me just say you are so brave for speaking out. I have read your blog for years and never really knew who you were but knew you had great taste. The fact that you have opened up about how you’re feeling inside must not go amiss. We all adore your blog and we are glad that you have decided to keep blogging. I know I am!

    I have had very similar experiences to you just as I’m sure a few others who also follow your blog. Sometimes we can get a little disillusioned with the way we perceive others through social media platforms. It looks as though the world has it’s shit together and and somehow you’re lagging behind.

    We are only human but we often forget as we get swept up in the hype of it all whilst finding it difficult to confront our own fears and failures. Keep on going and please keep posting. (You’re helping us readers as well as yourself!)

    Take care Kayin, we look forward to more of your wonderful posts.

    Xxx

    • Kayin says:

      Hi Brenda, thank you so much for your support over the past few years and for your comment! I’m sorry to hear you went through a similar experience and hope that you came out stronger. Your and the other comments really gives me the strength to carry on!! So thank you!!

  16. Simone says:

    Hoi Kayin,

    Ik ben al een tijdje een trouwe volger en ik schrok best van je blogpost, maar ik vind het ook ongelooflijk moedig dat je dit bericht hier zo geplaatst hebt. Helaas hier ook iemand die dezelfde ervaring heeft: mijn burn-out was zo erg dat ik zelfs mijn bed niet meer uit kon komen en het heeft best een tijd geduurd voordat ik het plezier in mijn leven weer had teruggevonden… Maar ik kan je vertellen: het heeft me echt definitief veranderd (en dat was ook nodig) Ik ben er veel sterker uit gekomen, weet nu wat ik zelf wil en dat ik in eerste instantie naar mezelf moet luisteren, grenzen moet stellen en vooral mijn intuïtie niet moet negeren. Ik ben er een gelukkiger mens door geworden, dus die soort van transformatie heeft me alleen maar positieve dingen gebracht achteraf (al vond ik dat op het moment dat ik er doorheen ging natuurlijk erg moeilijk om te zien…) Ik wens je alle sterkte en kracht om hier goed en positief uit te komen, en ik weet zeker dat als je over een tijdje terugkijkt op deze periode dat je (en dat klinkt misschien gek) maar er dankbaar voor bent. Ik weet zeker dat je jezelf veel beter leert kennen en dat je veel gelukkiger zult zijn met de persoon die je bent. Ik wens je alle voorspoed, geluk en zelfvertrouwen om deze periode goed door te komen, en blijf vooral bloggen. Zeker als dat jouw zonnestraaltje is in deze moeilijke tijd! Het gaat goed komen. Geloof in jezelf!

    Xxx Simone

    • Kayin says:

      Hi Simone, dank je voor je enorm lieve commentaar en je steun! Het spijt me te lezen dat je helaas zelf ook een burn-out hebt gehad. Maar er gelukkig sterker uit bent gekomen! Je verhaal te lezen geeft me zeker hoop op een betere tijd!! :) xx

  17. Sabine says:

    Hi Kayin,
    tears came into my eyes when reading this. I know exactly how you are feeling. I am in the exact same situation. I got diagnozed the same – in my mid thirties. Lost nearly everything during the last 2 years. On top of all my bf. Wanted to have a family and from one day to another without being prepared everything as finished. Dressing me up and is that what helps me to feel a little better. I don’t know what would be with me if I would not do that. Recently one friend said . You’re looking so good, I don’t understand that you are ill. Life is not always that what you see my friend I thought!!!If i would not put on make up they could see my dark circles around my eyes (can’t find sleep at night..) I try to hide all these signs in order to feel better. Kayin we have to be strong. We know to value life much more after we went through these hard times xx

    • Kayin says:

      Hi Sabine, I am so so terribly sorry to read that you are going through the same thing!! Don’t let anyone make you feel bad just because they don’t understand and just because you are trying to take care of yourself. Imagine how depressed it would make us feel if we wouldn’t take care of ourselves in these times?! It’s something to hold on to. If anyone ever says they don’t understand, show them my story! You too be strong! I’m sure we will be stronger in the end!! xx

  18. Marlene says:

    Oh Kayin! ((hugs)) My heart breaks for you when I read this. I’ve been through a couple of burn outs myself. Stress often manifests physically too so I’m pleased to hear that you’re looking after yourself. There are times when you’re probably thinking if you’ll ever beat this but you will. I hope to see you soon.

    • Kayin says:

      Thank you so much for your kind words Marlene! And I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve gone through a couple of burn outs yourself. I think you are an amazing and inspiring person. Knowing what a beautiful person you are gives me the strength and courage to fight this and will try to hold on to the thought that I will come out stronger and learn from these times! I hope you will never have to experience another burn out ever again! Will mail you soon!! xx

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